blackamazon

Why Learning Not to Hate Myself was Better than Loving Myself

blackamazon:

I don’t hate myself and it’s one of the hardest things I have to do.

Turning 30 is a kick in the chest. Thank God and  my Momma’s genes that it’s a 30 “ no one believes” but it’s 30 all the same. I’m not as financially secure as I want, I’m fatter than I want to me, sicker than I should be and fighting everything to stay afloat .But I don’t hate myself and it is so important, not just personally , but politically . In my life of  political acts, marching, protesting,rolling around on streets ,becoming a semi accidental internet feminist and being a mean old black girl,not hating myself is the thing that shifted my politics the most. 

The mantra of self love is something we hear a lot and it’s pleasing, invoking images of indulgence and care akin to a fluffy pink bubble bath. What no one tells us is that it is possible to love yourself and hate yourself at the same time , in different measures and quantities. Learning to love yourself maybe the greatest love of all but it does not eliminate the hate. That you have to work on .

Politically recognizing and purposefully combating the prevailing push to hate myself has forced looks into my psyche and the politics surrounding it that have made me less content ,more happy and braver.

I don’t like being radical as I am forced to be was one of the most violent realizations I have had. A lifetime of being a good girl,employee,daughter, shit I wanted to be a NUN has always made my willingness and facility to go “ I am not the one you want to F#&(#( with about this “ surprising to me. Specifically as it comes from the places where I have the greatest love.

I love being a black girl, I love black people, I love being a  woman and love women I love all people and I love music theatre,truth,information , communication and fun. also food ,physical activity and comics. and orgasms

Self love and love of these things has never been a problem. It also didn’t stop self hate , or doubt from clouding my ability to plan , be fire or be clear around them.Self love is not enough to combat self hate . They are not two sides of the same coin . Not hating myself involves unlearning so much programming , that my affirmations of love do not cover. It is the hard edge to my soft touch.

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